20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
