Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
