I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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