I accidentally had phone sex last night
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
