I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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