if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
