Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located