Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.