i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
