I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize