I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
