just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
