The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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