He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
