Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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