Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
