your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Shame - the story of my life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
