so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
