She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
