He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
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Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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