All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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