What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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