Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
