Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
