Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Randomize
