I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
