I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
