I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize