the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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