My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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