I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
