The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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