Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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