I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
