I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
