Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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