Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
