Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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