I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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