I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
