sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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