yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
