A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
