She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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