She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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