I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
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Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
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