I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
