She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.