hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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