Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
zippers are such a cool invention
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
