My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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