I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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