bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
