You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Im part way to drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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