Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
