I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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