so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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