My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
