Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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