I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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