wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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