I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
